Dookie

Sleep is vital for the writing process, but sometimes you just can’t manage to drift off!

Here are some tips by Dr. Phil LaKrahpf

1. Clear your nasal passages. Stuffy airways can hinder the body from coming to rest. Blow thoroughly and pick out all those boogers to keep that oxygen flowing. If necessary, rub some Vicks Vapo-rub into your nostrils just a little. In a pinch, mint extract will do.
2. Clip your toenails. There are hidden pressure points in the toes that can lead to restlessness and they are activated by long, nasty toenails. Clip them to relieve the pressure.
3. Tell someone off. It’s amazing how much easier sleep can be when you’ve gotten all those pent-up feelings off your chest! Let someone have it and sleep like a baby. If you live alone, you can call someone or even go ballistic in an internet chat room.
4. Suck on a pat of butter. Enzymes in real butter activate Phartotonin, an important sleep chemical that helps in the calming process. If the taste bothers you, try coating it in sugar or some dried Thyme. NOTE: Oleo will not work as a substitute.
5. Fold paper cranes. It is an ancient Japanese insomnia cure! One famous Japanese Insomniac folded 1,000 paper cranes! The act of folding is similar to the feeling of counting sheep or listening to Public Radio.
6. Put a drop of Palmolive under your tongue. Chemicals in the liquid are similar to those found in many sleep aids. Don’t use too much!
7. Get a spanking. The smacking of the skin, especially on the buttocks or backs of the legs, stimulates calming hormones in the body. You can spank yourself, but having someone else do it is more effective.
8. Laugh for 15 minutes or more. Life is funny and full of hogwash just like this phony medical advice! Laugh and then fall into a peaceful sleep knowing that despite your daytime stresses, you can still enjoy a good chortle.

April Fools!