How to write a “Vampire Chick” novel/series (based on the ones I’ve read):

Create a character who is in her late 20’s to mid-thirties who is or becomes a vampire, never voluntarily. She doesn’t want to be a vampire or hates herself since she became one. She has to be “nice” and hates sucking blood. She has to be either unnaturally innocent or a world-weary bad girl grown up. Both innocence and past pain are hooks for us to care about her.

Start her out being a “normal girl” with flaws like bad hair or clumsiness, but reveal her to be secretly superhot or become so as the book goes on. She also has to be special in some random way; she reads minds, sees ghosts, has visions, knows jujitsu etc.

She either has to be a fashionista or despise/not care about clothing. Have the love interest be frustrated by this–he is a high-class man or he is a no-nonsense guy–inverse to the character’s value of looks and dress.

If she becomes a vampire in the book she has to be unusually sane during her “newborn vampire” stage or not go through it at all. Accept or reject any piece of vampire lore as fits your story. Use the explanation of “what vampires are really like” to add word count to your story.

You must create one gay character to show how non-homophobic you are. There are extra tolerance points if the person is the main character’s best friend.

There must be a best friend for her to protect or to protect her. Other’s love for her shows she is lovable and her love for them makes her lovable. Have the best friend encourage her in the opposite of the desires of the love interest to add drama.

Every man has to be sinfully handsome, whether he’s the love interest or the bad guy. Even though the main character is portrayed as a shlub at first, she must be irresistable to all the male characters (except the gay bff and even that is open to interpretation).

One of the hot guys must be a vampire hunter with a love/hate relationship. He can hate her at first and then fall in love. He can protect her until she becomes a vampire and then turn on her. You get the idea.

The love interest can be any hot guy from the ancient vampire to the vampire hunter, or even another supernatural being. It doesn’t matter. He is a decoration for the main character. Spend a lot of time describing how attracted the main character is to the love interest. Slather it on and make it really embarassing. Bonus sexy points if she can’t control herself around him and vice-versa.

There is no other woman in the love interest’s eyes but the main character, though he has to have had scads of women before her. A beautiful, intimidating, evil ex can be the best bad guy or assistant-to-the-bad-guy.

Any other mythical race can be real or a myth based on how many super characters you want. If they usually hate vampires, your character has to be the exception unless the bad guy is non-vampire or non-human. Describe how the mythical races work for word count.

Somehow your character must always be the key to saving the city/country/world from super-evil forces. Danger and magnitude must grow throughout the novel/series with a maximum of one week in-between threats.

Many terrible injuries must occur to your main character so we can feel bad for her. If she isn’t yet a vampire, they never require physical therapy, ruin her looks, or permanently disable her. If she is a vampire, they heal quickly with no scars, but you can make her drink the love-interest’s blood to cure her and that’s sexy.

Sex scenes should come at inappropriate moments with no privacy, no time, terrible locations, and no warning if you like. Even if the main character jumps right in the sack with the love interest, she isn’t a slut. Every character accepts this. No disease or unwanted pregnancy ever results from sex in “Vampire Chick” novels.

There is no need to complete the story or even the plot within any given book. Readers love it when you make them wait for the next book to see if the world was saved. Chop it off wherever you like. Who cares!

And that is the “formula” for the “Vampire Chick” novel! Go for it! (Wow! That was practically one all by itself!)

Categories: Writing | Tags: , , , , | 3 Comments

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3 thoughts on “How to write a “Vampire Chick” novel/series (based on the ones I’ve read):

  1. quillwielder

    Hahaha! I laughed so much reading this 🙂
    Though I do want to write a vampire novel, that is exactly how I would go about writing it. Love it!

    • It’s definitely a formula! I was fascinated by the vampire genre. It seems to be all about accepting the beast within you, and everybody does that in a slightly different way. The concept is the same and it is easy to pick out the common ways people get there.

  2. Pingback: Things I Learn From Reviewing Your Books « Kate Policani

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